


How Do I Say Goodbye?

by lilbev24



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2015-10-10
Packaged: 2018-04-25 16:10:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4967509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilbev24/pseuds/lilbev24





	How Do I Say Goodbye?

Niklas Kronwall sat by himself. The loss stung, no doubt. But the fact she wasn't here to console him made it worse. Detroit had lost a best of seven series to Philadelphia for the Stanley Cup.... in seven games. The loss was heartbreaking. Losing her was worse.

_”Niklas!” Carrie squeeled. Nik had snuck up behind her and wrapped her up in a hug, spinning her around. “Would you put me down please?”_

_“What was that?” Nik asked, still holding tightly to his girlfriend._

_“Please put me down.”_

_“I still don't understand.” He said stoicly. “Jag talar inte engelska (I don't speak English).”_

_“Jag talar inte svenska (I don't speak Swedish).” Carrie responded just as serious._

_Nik let out a loud laugh. “Oh really? You don't speak Swedish?”_

_“Nej (No).”_

_“Ah... and what, prey tell, is the language you are currently speaking?”_

_“Carriean.” She said with a smirk. “Do you like it?”_

_He placed her on her feet on the ground before turning her toward him. He grinned. “It's beautiful. Just like you. Jag älskar dig (I love you).”_

_“Jag älskar dig med (I love you too).” She said before pulling his face down to hers for a kiss._

Joe Louis Arena was deserted. Nik never actually answered the call. He was playing Philly. The message that was awaiting him when he got of f the ice tore his world apart. “Tusan också! (Damn it!)” He muttered to himself, head in his hands. He'd wanted to be there. He'd promised he would be. “Why?” He thought to himself. “Why today?”

_”Carrie... you don't look so good.” Nik commented, noticing the paleness in Carrie's face and hands._

_“I'm fine.” She replied, pulling his Red Wings hoodie on over her long sleeve shirt. It was August._

_“Låt mig ta dig till läkare (please let me take you to the doctor).”_

_“I'm fine Nik. I promise. I just caught a bug or something.” She sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her head on them. She was sitting on the couch facing him. “I will be fine. Jag älskar dig (I love you).”_

_“Jag älskar dig med (I love you too).”_

_He knew she was lying. He knew something was seriously wrong. But he also knew she believed she'd get better. That she was going to get healthy. He should have seen the signs. The fatigue. The headaches. The nausea. The weight loss. That was the most noticeable and yet the one he believed was going to get better once she got healthy._

_”Carrie.... I'm taking you to the hospital.” Nik finally said after three days. She wasn't getting better and he was starting to worry._

_“Nik...”_

_“No protests. Please.”_

_“Alright.” Carrie sighed. Her headaches were worse. She was in constant stomach pain. The sweating and fatigue were getting to be too much. When she stood up, Nik noticed the weight loss. “What?” Carrie cocked her head to the side, curious as to what he was looking at._

_Nik didn't say anything as he walked over and wrapped her up in a hug. He didn't squeeze too hard, afraid he'd hurt her. “I love you.”_

_Carrie stood there stunned. Nik never said 'I love you' in English. She decided not to ask what was bothering him, knowing full well that she was sure she knew anyways._

*****************************

_Carrie slept the entire ride to the hospital. Nik wasn't taking any precautions. He wanted every test run and everything that could possibly be done, done. Nik couldn't help but think the worst as he pulled into the hospital parking lot. He gently squeezed Carrie's hand to wake her up._

_“Do we really have to....”_

_“Yes. We really have to.” Nik sighed. Between the loss of her Grandfather and her Uncle, Carrie hated the hospital and Nik knew it. But he was determined to not lose her so he was making her go to the hospital whether she wanted to or not._

_Carrie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She was tired. And not feeling well. She knew she'd lost weight. She saw it every day in the mirror. But she couldn't eat. She couldn't keep anything down. She wanted to be healthy, if only to have Nik stop looking at her like she was an invalid._

_He got out of the car and came around to her door. He opened it and offered his arm, knowing how weak she was getting. After closing the door and locking it, he pulled her arm through his and held it tightly._

“Nik!” Kronner raised his head to see Jimmy standing in front of him. “Are you okay?”

“Huh?” Nik was in his own world. “What?”

“Are you okay? Seriously.... what's going on?” Jimmy sat down next to Nik, looking at his defenseman with concern.

“Just a tough loss.”

“Bullshit Nik. I know better. Something's been going on for a while.”

_The doctor ran every test he could think of. Every result came back with the same news. The doctor had figured the results would just verify what his gut told him._

_Nik stood with his arms wrapped around Carrie protectively. He had a horrible feeling that it was bad but he tried to remain positive. Carrie could tell however that he was scared. Nervous. Uneasy._

_“Well I have the results of your blood work Miss Beverage. I'm very sorry to say it does not look good.” The doctor said, coming back into the room._

_“What is it?” Carrie asked, knowing Nik couldn't find his words. She took a deep breath, bracing herself for what was coming next._

_“The results indicate you have Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The good news is we can get you into treatments immediately. The bad news... it's spread to your brain. You said you have been having severe headaches?” Carrie nodded. “That is what has been causing your headaches. Because it has spread to your brain, we can't use radiation. We can set you up in Chemotherapy immediately. I know this is a lot to take in. I will give you two a few minutes. I'll be ready when you are.” The doctor got up and left the room._

_Carrie could feel Nik's grip loosening. She turned so she was facing him. All color had drained from his face. “Nik...” She stopped, the look on his face telling her everything she needed to know. She dropped her head, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to fall._

_“Carrie...” Nik placed a finger under her chin and brought her gaze up to meet his. “I love you. More than anything else on this planet. And I will be here every step of the way.”_

_“You will not let this interfere....”_

_“I can and I will.” He was serious. “You are far more important than hockey. Every appointment. Every session. I will be there with you.”_

_The tears finally fell from Carrie's eyes. She reached up and brushed a stray piece of hair out of Nik's face. “I love you so much Niklas Kronwall.”_

_“I love you too.” He said, placing a kiss on her forehead._

“Seriously Jimmy.... I'm fine.” Nik said, trying to convince himself more than anyone.

“You know we're all worried about you. After you took that hit...”

“I'm fine.” Nik said angrily. He looked over at Jimmy, a look of worry etched on his friends face. “I'm sorry. I just... It's been a long day.”

“It has for all of us.”

“You have no idea” Nik muttered under his breath. “Look, I should be getting home. Ca...” Nik stopped, not wanting to keep the charade up. “Carrie's waiting.”

“She didn't come?” Jimmy asked as they both stood.

“No. She was feeling under the weather.”

“That's too bad. Let her know we're all thinking about her.” Jimmy said, patting Nik on the back before heading toward the exit. Jimmy never saw the tears in Nik's eyes.

******************************

Nik entered the quiet house. Everything was left as is. He didn't dare touch anything. He thought back to the game against Vancouver. The game with the hit that left him dazed. The game Carrie missed because of Chemo.

_”It's one game. Missing it is not the end of the world.” Nik tried to comfort Carrie._

_“But it's Vancouver.” Carrie pouted. She'd continued losing weight and having headaches. And, as the doctor had told her, started losing her hair. Not that she minded. She wore Nik's Red Wing's beanie almost everywhere to begin with._

_“I know it's Vancouver. And we play them again. You will be okay missing one game. I promise.” He gently kissed her pouting lips._

_“Fine.” She crossed her arms, annoyed he wouldn't see things her way. “When are we leaving?”_

_“As soon as you're ready.” He said as he finished tying his tie. Carrie came over and straightened it. “Tack (thank you).”_

_“Varsågod (you are welcome).” She replied, placing a soft kiss on his lips. She grabbed her bag off the floor and laced her hand with his. He placed a kiss on her temple as they headed to the car, off to the hospital._

***********************************

_The game didn't go as Nik had hoped. He didn't get to play much. In the first period, Vancouver's Raffi Torres came up high on Nik as he was playing the puck behind his own net. Torres' elbow connected with Nik's head, causing his equilibrium to be jostled._

_“Nik... you okay?” Brad asked, standing over his D partner._

_“Yeah. Give me a second.” Nik shook his head. Before Nik could move, Todd had already brought Van Zant out onto the ice._

_“Relax Nik.” Piet said._

_“I'm fine. Seriously.” Nik protested but it was to no avail. Brad and Todd helped him up and off the ice. Piet immediately lead him to the quiet room. “Is this necessary?”_

_“You took a vicious elbow to the head. We've got to follow protocol.” Piet reminded him._

_Nik sighed, hoping Carrie wouldn't hear about it._

As Nik dropped his bag in the doorway, he heard the phone ringing. Not bothering to answer it, he thumbed through the mail that Carrie had laid out for him. “Hey! You've reached Carrie and Nik. We're not here right now so leave us a message and we'll get back to you. Thanks!” Carrie's voice echoed through the empty house.

Before Nik knew what he was doing, he went and sent everything that was laying on the island in the middle of the kitchen flying toward the wall. Finally letting the tears fall, he slid down the wall, head in hands.

_It had been three days since the hit. Coach had made Nik sit out of practice for two days. He was getting antsy and Carrie could tell. “Nik, what's wrong?” She asked, curled up on the couch under a blanket._

_“Nothing. Practice just hasn't gone well the last couple days.” He said, sitting down next to her and pulling her into him, trying to warm her up._

_“Oh. Okay.” She said, flipping on the TV. The first thing on the news? Torres' hit on Nik._

_”News is that Niklas Kronwall will be back on the ice tomorrow after this big hit from Raffi Torres in Saturday's game. That hit has sidelined Kronwall for the last two days with what the team has deemed an 'Upper Body Injury'. Sources close to the Wings are saying Kronwall will be out indefinitely with a Concussion.”_

_To say Carrie was stunned was an understatement. Her health had been coming back. She was regaining some color and weight. “Carrie?” Nik said nervously. He wasn't sure how she was going to react. “Carrie? Are you okay?”_

_“What do they mean a “concussion”?” She asked, still staring at the TV._

_“I don't have a concussion. Everything checked out.” He cringed._

_Carrie stood up suddenly. He knew she was going to be upset. She had a right to be. “Everything checked out?! You didn't feel that it was necessary to tell your girlfriend that you took and elbow to the head and could possibly have a concussion?!”_

_“Carrie....”_

_“No. That's not fair Niklas.” Carrie was close to tears. “I thought we were in this together.”_

_“We are!” He said, scrambling to get up from the couch._

_“Then why would you keep that from me?” She asked, tears running down her cheeks. The slightest thought of Nik hurt sent her brain to places she didn't want it to go._

_“Because you were getting better.” He half-shouted. “You were getting better. And stress is the one thing you don't need. I'm fine. I'm skating tomorrow. I've passed every test that I needed to pass. It's not an issue. You didn't need to get worked up over it so I didn't tell you.”_

Nik blamed himself for Carrie's downward spiral after that argument. The stress was too much for her to handle. The cancer came back stronger than ever, what was still in her body anyways. She wasn't responding to the chemotherapy treatments any longer.

Nik heard his cellphone going off in his bag. Yet, he never moved from his seat at the base of the wall, head still in hands.

_”I don't have much time left.” Carrie said softly to him one night. They were sitting in Nik's favorite chair, Carrie on his lap. He sat, staring at the Kronwall shirt she was wearing, expressionless. “Nik?”_

_“Hmm?” Nik looked up at her, finding it hard to keep her gaze for long. He knew what she'd said. He'd heard her. He didn't want to believe it though._

_“I don't...”_

_“I heard you.” He sighed. He wrapped his arms tighter around her, placing a soft kiss on her neck. “What do we do?”_

_“We act like there's nothing wrong.” She said. “We live our lives normally. And when I'm gone...”_

_“Don't.” Nik couldn't bear the thought of losing her._

_“We know it's coming. You need to....”_

_“I need to what? Accept it? How am I supposed to accept the love of my life dying? How am I supposed to deal once you're gone?” Tears were running down Nik's face as he buried it into her neck. She sat there and held him, willing away her own tears._

_“You know I'll always be here.” She said softly. “Jag älskar dig (I love you).”_

_“Jag älskar dig med (I love you too).” He replied before placing a firm kiss on her lips._

There was a knock on Nik's door. Nik didn't respond. The door creaked open and Brad and Johan poked their heads inside. “Nik? You oka.... what happened?!” Johan asked as they pushed their way into the room, looking at the mess and broken glass on the floor.

“Nothing.” Nik said, wiping at his eyes.

“Nik....” Johan sat down next to him. “Seriously. What's going on?”

“She's gone.” Nik said softly.

“Carrie?! Where'd she go?” Brad asked. None of the boys had seen Carrie for a few months, never knowing she was terminally ill. “Nik... what aren't you telling us?”

Nik stayed silent, not knowing what to say that would make the pain of telling them easier. Brad pulled out his phone, calling all the boys together. Johan stood up and took Nik's bag into the bedroom. Johan pulled Niklas' phone out of the bag and brought it back into the kitchen, placing it on the counter.

One by one, the boys arrived until the entire team was in Nik and Carrie's living room. Nik still sat against the wall, silent. “Nik... we're all here for you. What's going on?” Nick Lidstrom asked, breaking the silence.

“Carrie's.... dead.” Nik said, so quiet they almost didn't hear him.

Brad immediately sat down next to his best friend and partner. “What happened?”

“She had Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Stage three. It had spread to her brain.” Nik explained, breathing deeply, trying to keep his composure. “The reason you boys didn't see her for the last few months is because she didn't want you to see her like that. I didn't tell her about the hit. She found out a couple days later. I didn't tell her because she was getting healthy. It's my fault. It's all my fault.” Nik broke down into his own arms, Brad throwing an arm around Nik to comfort him.

“Nik, it's not your fault. You did everything you could for her.” Val said.

“I should have told her the truth.” Nik said angrily. “But I believed that not telling her wouldn't stress her out. Would help her get healthy. Instead, it did the opposite. She got worse. She stopped responding to treatments. She died today. At the hospital. Alone. I should have been there. I should have been by her side the whole time. She died alone. Do you know how that makes me feel? Tusan också! Varför var hon tagit från mig? Det bör vara mig i stället. (Damn it! Why was she taken from me? That should have been me.)”

“No Nik!” Tomas said. “Don't you dare think that way!”

Jakub walked over and picked up a picture frame that was laying on the floor. “Nik... Carrie loved you more than anything. And she would hate to see you beating yourself up over this.” He said, handing the picture frame to Nik.

Nik looked down to see Carrie's smiling face looking up at him. It was a picture from their summer in Sweden. He'd taken her home to meet his parents, hoping that the next time he went home, they would be married. Nik reached into his pocket, pulling out a ring and placing it in the picture frame. “The hospital left a message on my cellphone. I got the message after the game. I haven't even gone to see her. I'm not sure I can.”

“I'll go with you.” Brad said.

“You know any of us will go with you.” Ty added.

“Thanks guys.” Nik dropped his head back against the wall. “What do I do now?”

“We know it's going to be hard. But we're going to help. We're family Nik.” Patrick said and a few players murmured in agreement.

****************************

A few of the guys stayed behind to clean up the mess at the house while Brad, Nik and Jimmy headed to the hospital. Brad and Jimmy didn't know what to say that would console their friend. They all entered the hospital together where the doctor took Nik to Carrie.

Nik entered the room, not sure what to expect. They had taken all the tubes and needles out, leaving her lying there. “Sleeping Beauty” was Nik's first thought when he saw her. 'She's just asleep'. He thought, walking over to the edge of the bed.

“Carrie...” He picked up her cold hand in his. “I'm so sorry.” Tears were running freely down his cheeks. “I'm sorry for not picking up my hockey stuff around the house. I'm sorry we didn't go to dinner as often as we should have. I'm sorry you only got to see Sweden once. I'm sorry I never told you about the hit. I wanted to protect you. Maybe I protected you too much. Maybe I didn't do enough. I wasn't good enough. And I'm sorry for never saying I love you enough. Whether it was in Swedish or English. You deserved to hear it more often. And I didn't say it enough. I promised. I promised that you would come before hockey, no matter what. I should have been here. You didn't deserve to die alone. You deserved better than me. But I love you. Please don't ever doubt that. I loved you more than you could have ever possibly known. And I never said it enough. So I'm saying it now. I love you. So much. You were my everything. I don't know how I'm supposed to go on without you.” He leaned down and gently pressed his lips to hers for one last kiss. “You will forever be the love of my life. No one will ever compare.”

******************************

The funeral was two weeks after her death. It wasn't big, just the boys, Carrie's family and Nik's family. Nik didn't want to keep the ring, so he put it on her finger, knowing she would have said yes had he gotten to ask.

When it was his turn to speak, he didn't say much. “Everyone who knew Carrie, knew how much she meant to me. She was the love of my life. There's nothing I can say that will bring her back to me. But I thank God every day I had the time I did with her. She was so amazingly beautiful, inside and out. She laughed at my stupid jokes, she took time for me, even when I didn't deserve it. She put up with my mess and cleaned up after me. And she loved me. Unconditionally. For some reason, she fell in love with me and I will forever be thankful that I found an amazing, wonderful, caring woman like Carrie. I loved her with everything I had and while I will forever feel that I never told her enough, I know she knew. And I will continue telling her. Carrie. I love you. More than you could ever know.”


End file.
